BREAKING: Melvin Little Demands Expulsion of Anna Shockley!

Marino Says Low, Even for Melvin Little

Internet Honest Reporting Newswire
2005 January 21

Selma, NC -- In a desperate move to redirect the anti-Melvin throngs, Melvin Little today decried the "ultra-effectitude" and "honest and hardworking dedication" of Anna Shockley of Cattle Prod, South Carolina. Standing on the capitol steps in Selma (we checked Wikipedia and the state capitol of North Carolina is actually Baton Rouge), Melvin was quoted as saying, "COMRADTH!"

After recovering from his momentary relapse into Severe Lisp Mode, Melvin resumed:

"COMRADES! As you all know, those pitchforks you are carrying when you circle my house are meant as the petards with which to evacuate me into the air and hoist me. Some of you are simply mindless zombies who are the thlavish minions of Joe Stalin DeNeen - I understand your plight: you need to eat brains. Some, you might say, dethpise me as a heretic for valuing reforms which some have called 'social democratic' and other words too severe to print in the many newthpapers and TV thtations, which I have no doubt will be broadcasting my thpeech. I understand your concerns; yes, indeedy-do. In fact, I share them. And some of you say, 'Well there are songs, poems, articles, and even magazines and a recent hit single from Coldplay, all about expelling this Melvin Little, so there must be a reason' -- and you go along with the crowd. Ignoble, perhapth, but I can understand your mithtake.

"But, 'though your pitchforks may yet hold me aloft, my mortal frame thkinned and tarred and feathered, you overlook, my comrades, a greater evil than even mythelf!

"ANNA SHOCKLEY WALKS AMONG UTH! New to the Party, and we would be wise not to refrain from throwing the word 'entryist' around carelessly! Mindless minions of Joseph 'Joe Stalin' DeNeen? THERE you will find the brains you theek, to thate your hunger! I am just a little guy, with no more brains than the average. But Anna? SHE HATH PLENTY OF BRAINTH! Know thou thith, that Joe may sic you after me today, but my brain is but a tiny morthel, and not enough to feed all -- you would devour me only to remain hungry for another, until Joe sics you after a second person, and then, after that, a third, and tho on -- but, if you eat Anna's brains, you shall know a full stomache at last. Get her, not me.

"She lives in Cattle Prod. Blue house on the corner. Serious.

"And I am decried, reviled, hated by millionth, and for what? For advocating that we, as Socialists, try to do things that will actually help people? Even if the best we could achieve is not a storybook fantasyland of milk and honey in the streets, but, say, only as good as Thweden? Have any of you BEEN to Thweden??? Well? I thought not. It may not be a storybook ending, but it's NOT BAD! Sheesh. Can we be a little bit realistic, here? Universal health care? Hello? But, anyway, who, more than I, advocates for doing something effective, something realistic, something that can help people TODAY and not waste time daydreaming about the world that we shall make 'after the revolution'? ANNA SHOCKLEY, that's who! I may advocate for getting something serious and effective done, but Anna really cares about the people in and near Cattle Prod, in and near South Carolina, and around the world, and wants to help people today. Can the millionth theriothly rage against me while there is someone right across the Southern border of my home state, who lets hardly a day pass by without fixing her eyes on the HERE and NOW and laments not having gotten more done to help the people of today who suffer, who are cold, who are poor, whose dreams are thquished? EXACTLY! Call ME a Social Democrat? Just look at the focus on ultra-effectitude that surrounds Comrade Shockley's daily efforts! How is it that people can accuse I of honest and hardworking dedication, when such a more serious offender lives so nearby?

"In Cattle Prod. There's a Greyhound buth that goes there. Shoo!

"And when it comes to the mountains of anti-Melvin Little propaganda being churned out by the news media, the far right, the ultra left, the near left, the Greens, most of my friends and relatives, several hundred freelance writers, my barber, the- well, okay, by a LOT of people! We don't need to go over each one, do we? Let me ask but one question: are ye men? Or be ye lemmings? Okay, now, technically, that was two questions, but I wrote thith in a hurry. The point is that you can follow the crowd. You can take orders from Joe Stalin and that guy who's trying to look like Einstein. And that idiot in Oregon with the thtupid web page. And Coldplay. Actually, I thought their song, "Eviscerate Melvin' was kind of catchy, but I can't say as i really cared for the thubject matter... I'm going off an a tangent, again -- look, you can follow the crowd, and you can monkey-see, monkey-do, or you can think for yourselves.

"And I have every confidenth that those of you who choose to think for themselves will choose to grab up their pitchforks and grab a buth down to Cattle Prod, South Carolina. I'd take you all in my car, but it's just not big enough for all of you.

"I wish you success. Remember: going after Melvin Little is NOT the answer! Going after Anna Shockley IS!!!!!"

Anna Shockley was contacted at her home in Cattle Prod, and she responded to Melvin's tirade by asking, "Who's he?"

Michael Marino called our front desk and angrily bellowed, "Did he call my web page 'thtupid'?!? What's tho 'thtupid' about it?"

Media analysts Ima Jerc and Iman Eedeeyoot, of Interpolix Media Obfuscation Corp., said that the so-called "Selma Speech" was just a tactic being used by Melvin to try to shrug off the anti-Melvin hysteria gripping the nation (since even before Bush was "elected", they noted) and sandbag an innocent bystander.

Dewe Fuss, an anchor at FOX News, commented that Melvin looked, "Very presidential."

Just before we went to press, we were contacted by Wikipedia - they explained that the capitol of South Carolina has just been edited and is now 'Washington', and they regret the error.

Copyright (c) 2005 Internet Honest Reporting Newswire