Melvin Little Discovered to be Android Replica!

(MICHAEL MARINO SAYS: I KNEW IT!)

Melvin Little Discovered to be Android Replica!
(Rooters)

Charleston, SC (December 1, 2004)
At a press conference held today by the International Didactical Ideological Oganization for Thorough Study (I.D.I.O.T.S.), it was announced by the esteemed Professor Blovenfusen that Melvin Little III of Selma, North Carolina was, in fact, an android.

"Yah," explained Professor Blovenfusen, "Das is vhat meine research indicates."

The research team, made up of seven scientists from I.D.I.O.T.S. and a Canadian observer, had originally located their lab in Selma, but had moved to Charleston, South carolina, as their research unraveled the sinister secrets of the Mankind Elimination, Liquification, Vivisection, Inhalation, and Normalization (M.E.L.V.I.N.) Mark III unit, and the team realized that studying the MELVIN android in such close proximity was hazardous.

The first evidence of the "android" characteristic of Melvin Little was actually found many years ago, when a document type known as Hostile Takeover by Melvin Little (H.T.M.L.) began to appear on the Internet, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Vee tracked dot down," said Professor Blovenfusen, "Und it turned out that computer scientisits, baffled by the sudden appearance of the HTML files throughout the Internet, had simply renamed sem 'Hyper Text Markup Language' files, vhich obscured der danger dey pose feur humanity."

"Today," continued the Professor, "HTML files consume more Internet bandwidth than any other file type und dominate many hours of time feur people who go 'surfing', imitating der robot-like android processes of der Melvin mark III. Ve do not know how der HTML files actually help Melvin to take over der verld, but" he cautioned, "it seems to be verking."

Selma residents were shocked, except for Melvin's parents. "We thought he was a bit odd," explained one of his parents, speaking on condition of anonymity, "but when he started going to JiffyLube twice a month to have his oil changed, we knew somethin' downright peculiar was goin' on."

"Melvin hass moostly been verking vith der Soocialist Party," said Hjalmar Hammer, another team member. "Ve assked esteemed Party members if Melvin had shoown any unyoosual behavioor. Vun Comrade, whoo is nooted for hiss verk in expoosing Noorman Thomas as an FBI spook und Yoogene Debs as a CIA mole, said Melvin vas a 'soocial demoocrat' -- an obvioos ssign of what we IDIOTS call 'androidism'."

Doctor Brzenskivladishmir Zamiravnovastantsky concurred: "Our THOrough studies have EENdicated a proNOUNCED streak of androideesm een Melvin mark III. I CONtacted Misha C. MarIno of Oregon, who told me of Melvin's extensive efforts to deestroy the Socialeest Party through domeeNAtion of hees Comrades. That ees an ANdroid, all right. Most, eef not all, of the COMmuneest PARty leaders were androids, as well, so I am famEElyar weeth the seemptomology."

As further proof, the team of IDIOTS offered a tape recording of Melvin in his sleep, obtained at great risk in a daring night time raid that involved ski masks and nylon stockings. (Professor Blovenfusen insisted that the nylons were to provide additional stealth. This reporter didn't buy a word of that at all, if you know what I mean.) The eery recorded voice came up, as Melvin chirped happily in his sleep:

"I'm GLAD to be a Socialist! Golly whiz, I like being a democratic socialist in the tradition of really GREAT people like Svend Robinson 201 five finger discount error 201 really GREAT people like A. Phillip Randolph! I love socialism like in Sweden and the NDP in Canada! I'll take over the world any day now 201 honesty error 201 I'll write a post to the Internet any day now and tell everybody how happy I am to be a part of this great party with all these great people! Shucks, I wish I could tell everybody how much I love being a triple member of the SPUSA, DSA, and NDP, three of the most useful tools to colonize this planet 201 don't blow the plan error 201 three of the bestest parties outside of Sweden!"

Doctor Mimilienne Phydeaux summarized the IDIOTS findings: "Eet seems zee Melvin mark III has already taken ovair Sweden and repleecated copies of zee Swedish people. Left unchecked, Melvin weel replace every person in zee world weeth android repleecas, een a manner not unlike that seen een the American [spit] movie, 'Eenvasion of zee Body Snatcheurs'. Eet may breeng socialism to zee world, but at what terreeble price? How can androids enjoy a society of reespect and equality if zey are all androids? Zees is why we conclude zat Melvin must be stopped at all costs."

The team unveiled a colour-coded chart explaining some things people can do to hold off the android invasion process:

1) Do not use HTML. Ever. Nope, not even the home page you wrote by yourself; apparantly, that's how Melvin works his way into people's minds.

2) NEVER be alone with Melvin. Not even if he offers you a smoke. People have been known to go outside to "share a smoke" with Melvin, only to return saying, "I LIKE the NDP! Boy, I'm happy to be a socialist! I'm so happy, I even like Bill Stodden!"

3) Boycott JiffyLube; it may drive up the cost of his bi-monthly oil change and thus slow down his operations on Earth.

4) Make sure that George Bush gets a third term (abolish the Constitution, if you have to) and put him in charge of the decision to nuke Sweden or not. Destroy Melvin's base. If it turns out that they *aren't* android replicas, everyone in Europe will be shocked to learn it.

5) Expel Melvin Little from the Socialist Party USA, since that seems to be a front organization he runs to mask his world-conquering goals.